Monday, April 11, 2011

Faith Isn't About Believing...

[author's note: you'll notice that at one point Michael refers to me as "Daan" ... this is a term of endearment which he has used with me since before I remembered that he is Michael... just to waylay any possible confusion as to who he is addressing in that spot]
It was a beautiful sunny day in the late fall of 2010. The temperature was perfect and the bright blue sky that reminded me of Michael’s eyes, made the golds and reds of the last of the autumn foliage look spectacular. It seemed at one point a couple of weeks earlier as if the cooler weather had come along to stay, but here was this Beautiful oasis of a day right in the middle of that cold spell.
I had taken a walk that day, as was typical of days like that. I just find it irresistible to be out in nature when the weather is so beautiful like that. I don’t know… maybe the clear skies overhead has something to do with it – I’m always hoping I’ll catch a little glimpse of “something” and I usually do, especially when I ask Michael nicely. A Light Ship… an Ashtar Command transport… a cloud in the shape of a flower … or his face … or some other special thing I know he’s done, just because he wanted me to see it… to see him …
At the halfway point in my walk I arrived, as usual, at my favorite park bench – the one I like to sit on and meditate, or most preferred, to talk with Michael.  And so I sat and he and I began a conversation… I think we were talking about what it will be like when we are finally standing face to face… and my fears associated with the not knowing when (or in my mind at that time, if ever) that would be. And then of course you KNOW my mind flashed on the possibility that all of this isn’t real at all. And as usual he tried to reassure me that it is, which finally calmed me down and comforted me and I found resolve in simply Being there with him, in what I now consider to be one of the most Beautiful spots on Earth, if simply because I’ve spent so much time there communing with him.
We stayed there like that, luxuriating in the company of each other’s essence, for what seemed like hours. Then the sun began to dip behind the trees and I knew instinctively that it must be approaching the hour which I had determined I would need to leave by and go back home. A vocal instructor by trade, I had already made up my mind to commit my life to Michael and helping others who were beginning to awaken to their True Nature; ultimately giving up my career as a vocal instructor for a “higher” calling. As a result I didn’t have many students left by this time, but it just so happened that I had an appointment scheduled to give a voice lesson early that evening.
Back then I was inclined to carry a cell phone with me … for some reason I thought that I needed to make myself available to whomever, whenever, plus it was a handy way of keeping track of the time. I pulled out my cell phone and the clock on it read right around 4:30… Good, I still had 5 or 10 minutes to spare before I needed to head back. So I settled back down on my favorite park bench and continued my conversation with Michael.
I remember telling him that I wished I didn’t have to go, because there were still another couple of hours before the sun would really be going down, and I just wanted to stay there in the warm calm of our little sanctuary in the midst of the neighborhood park just being with him and sharing the beautiful afternoon with him. The clouds in the sky portended a spectacular sunset that evening, and me, ever the romantic, all I could think about was how beautiful it would be to sit there with Michael and watch the sun set. Then Michael asked me,
“Why don’t you just stay here with me?” and I said,
“I would Love to, but I can’t. I have an appointment scheduled and I need to go attend to my student.”
“Are you sure that you  have an appointment this evening?” he asked, in tones which suggested that he might know something that I didn’t.
“Well, I did make the appointment with her, and as of right before I came on my walk she hadn’t called to cancel, so, yeah, I’m pretty sure I have an appointment this evening” I felt certain that I knew what I had planned and that was the way it would work out. And then Michael continued,
“If you don’t want to go back then you should stay here. Don’t worry about your appointment. Let it take care of itself.”
Okay, well, I just couldn’t do that and I asked him “Well, what am I going to do then if she shows up and I’m not there?” I guessed that I would have a lot of explaining to do... and Michael asked me again,
“Why don’t you stay here?” and I told him that I could, there was really nothing stopping me except my sense of urgency to fulfill my obligation to my student. But all I really wanted to do was to just stay there and blow off the money that I might make from giving the lesson, and I very nearly decided to do just that. But my sense of what I thought was the “right” thing to do won out, and by that time it really was time for me to leave the park … in fact it was past time, and I knew that I would be late getting home. Since my boyfriend and son were both at home, I knew they’d let her in if I was late, and I knew that she would understand that perhaps I’d lost track of time…
So I got up off the bench, and Michael was still telling me that I ought to just stay there, and I told him “Look, if for some reason I get there and she’s not there or not coming at all, then I’ll come back to the park and we can still watch the sunset together”. I walked away from the bench and continued toward the little bridge over the creek that was the border between the rest of the park and the sanctuary. I added “I just don’t believe that my student won’t show up…” Just before I reached the bridge, the last thing that Michael said to me before I arrived home was,
“Faith isn’t about believing, Daan… it’s about knowing”. And I pondered that and the fact that just before he had said that I had considered the possibility that even though I had my cell phone with me and had left instructions with my boyfriend and my son that if anyone called for me to give them my cell number and have them call me on it, perhaps my student might have called our home phone and no one heard it ring, therefore no one answered it or gave her my cell number to call me, and that perhaps when I got home there would be a voice mail waiting for me from my student, that perhaps she had called at the last minute to say that she wasn’t coming.
Michael was silent all the way home, and though I continued to talk to him, he said nothing… or at least I don’t recall that he said anything. Maybe he wanted me to be alone with my thoughts, and perhaps hoped I would reconsider and turn around and head back to the park before I reached home. I did think about it a couple of times but instead, very stalwart, kept going until I arrived home.
I was 15 minutes late for my appointment, and my student was nowhere in sight. I went into the house; my son was upstairs with his headphones on (I seem to recall anyway) and I think that my boyfriend was asleep, having been tired from the early start to his work day. And I thought “Great! I’ll bet my student was here, and knocked on the door but no one answered and so she left again”. So I waited around for a few minutes, then I went upstairs and asked my son if he’d heard a knock at to door or the phone ring at all, but he said he hadn’t.
I waited a little longer and figured I’d better call her and apologize because I figured that when she arrived she had knocked and not gotten an answer and maybe thought I wasn’t there and left again. I picked up the phone and there was a familiar intermittent dial tone signaling that someone had called and left a message on the voice mail. Then I thought back to what I had considered as I was leaving the park, and thought, no, it couldn’t be. But when I dialed the number to retrieve the voice mail, it was in fact my student who had called, and no one had heard the phone ring and so she was forced to leave a message saying that she wouldn’t be making her appointment that evening.
I just stood there dumbfounded for a moment. I couldn’t think, much less say anything.
Michael knew.
And I didn’t trust him.
Furthermore, I didn’t trust myself or value myself enough to realize that sometimes what I want to do is more important that what I think I need to do. After all, what is important?
Love.
And Michael told me a while back, a month or two before I received my Angel Card Reading when I was in Mt. Shasta, that the most important thing that I could do in my life from that point forward was to simply love him, but again, I didn’t trust him, didn’t believe him, however you choose to look at it. He didn’t really ever explain why it is that simply Loving him is the most important thing that I can do. I think he expected me (and knew I would) to discover that on my own. And in fact I do know now (but I’ll save that for another time).
You see, a teacher can tell you the lesson and you might understand it, but if you experience the lesson, you will not only understand it, you will also never, ever forget it.
I learned a lot that day; about Michael (that he IS real); about myself (that I didn’t trust my own inner knowing the way I thought I did), and that my wants and needs ARE important because giving to myself is a way of loving myself, and this whole incident was representative of and illustrated the fact that I have always been inclined to give to others to the exclusion of myself, leaving nothing for me. I learned that if I will just chance to give to myself first, even if it’s something that I’ve been conditioned to think is selfish or  frivolous (like staying in the park to watch the sunset with my Beloved Twin Flame when I have another appointment scheduled), then I will ALWAYS have enough left over to give to others, because the love that we give to ourselves grows within us and becomes amplified so that we have a never ending supply of it – straight from the Source of our Creation.
I went back to the park, but by the time I headed back out I had wasted so much time just getting home in the first place, and then waiting around for my student, and then finally checking the voice mail, that by the time I got back to the park the sun was already going down behind the clouds and the lovely rays that were shooting out from behind them as I was walking home initially were just a hint of a glow, all but obscured by the advancing cloudbank.
Well, I learned one more valuable lesson that night, and that is that sometimes we miss out on the really neat stuff because we place too much importance and emphasis on doing instead of simply Being.

1 comment:

  1. And, I will say again, for, I think it's one of those things we can't realize too frequently: "Experience is a hard teacher, because she gives the test first and the lesson afterwards." Plus, I've come to the conclusion that if we learn from our "mistakes" were they REALLY mistakes?

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