Wednesday, May 18, 2011

You’re Looking Too Hard

Monday night (May 16th, 2011) I had just about reached the end of my rope.  
You see, a few days ago I came into certain knowledge of my True Love’s physical whereabouts, and it was beginning to drive me insane. Seems like all I’ve been able to think about for weeks now is wanting to be with him… sometimes I’m able to distract myself away from the notion. Sometimes he is successful in distracting me away from wanting to know “when”, but I have to admit that it has been a real challenge to stay focused on other things, until that day gets here. I mean after all, we haven’t “seen” each other in forever ~ oh yes, of course, there are the Spiritual aspects of our relationship, and THEY ARE WONDERFUL!! Don’t get me wrong ~ I never in this lifetime thought that I would find a Love as True as this is, and I can’t even describe to you what that is like because we really have few things in this existence that even come close to being able to compare with it, but suffice it to say that even just knowing that we are together in Spirit always, and not even having to think about it to summon the feeling, is like being in ecstasy (well it actually IS ecstasy!!) non-stop, all the time… there is no other feeling like it save being embraced by him yourself perhaps… I’ve heard that he can be “inspiring” in that regard. ;-) And I would tend to agree! :-D
Naturally realizing his proximity in relation to my own in such a way tends to have all my buttons being pressed at once and alarm bells ringing all over the place and that palpable sensation that we’ve been told we could expect to feel when in close proximity to one of our Brothers or Sisters (not to mention the Commander of the Fleet) is undeniably THERE. So I know this in my heart of hearts, but I have no way to make the circuit complete if you know what I mean.  And though I realize that he is busy making last minute preparations to carry out anticipated plans and really can’t take the time to cater to my wants, I’m going crazy, all the same, just wanting to be able to stand face to face with him and reach out and embrace him. Of course, he knows my desire all too well… it’s his desire too, of course, but he has a little better handle on the situation with regard to his own feelings.  What else would you expect?
Now, some of you who have been following this whole Ascension thing are no doubt familiar with, and have also been following various Astrological markers and Astronomical events, such as planetary alignments and full and new moons, etc. I on the other hand am so focused in one particular little niche of the process however, that I had no idea why I was feeling cranky, depressed, sad, angry, confused, bloaty, puffy, and just generally beat all the time over the last week and a half to two weeks. Yeah, I know it sounds like PMS. But in fact it was actually these HUGE Energies that have been pouring into our system in relation to these various events taking place in our solar system and out into the far reaches of the galaxy and the Universe itself. I always seem to be one of the last to realize these things ~ and even then I only seem to find out when some of my guides think it might be useful for me to know why I’ve been so doggone miserable lately and lead me to the information that I need to review (yeah Guys, I’m talking about you! ;-) ). You can imagine, after the list of complaints I just handed you, how the addition of a certain knowledge might have compounded things, and it did. My mind (yes that’s right, I said my mind, and maybe if I’d have been using my heart the whole time I wouldn’t have had such a hard time, but I’ll admit, I’m still human, with an ego that’s just an eentsy teentsy bit still out of balance) went from an extremely multifaceted one to a one track one in a matter of seconds … that’s all I could think about was, when, how, where, etc.
The night before was also just about impossible. I couldn’t seem to get myself to a point where I could get to bed, much less go to sleep once I got there… that was at about 2AM. At 3AM when it became apparent that I was just going to lay there and toss and turn (and cry) I moved out to the sofa so as to not disurb my boyfriend any further. I tossed and turned out there as well, and at 4:30 I got up, went to the bathroom went to the back door and let the cat in, and then took my blanket and pillow back into the bedroom. I finally fell asleep sometime after about 8AM and slept until about 1:40 in the afternoon.
When I got out of bed, I was miserable. My entire body ached all over.  And not only had I wasted half the day “sleeping”, but I still had this empty feeling inside of me, wanting desparately to be near my Beloved, and feeling totally helpless to do anything about it. Of course I tried all kinds of ways to “bargain” with him trying to get him to “want” me just as badly, but of course, nothing worked. At one point, I think he was trying to kid around with me, maybe to make me feel better, he asked me as I was getting ready to take a shower at around 7PM that night, if I could be ready in 20 minutes… as if he might come to pick me up or something. I told him I didn’t know, but I could try, and I did, and I was ready in 25 minutes! But of course as you might expect (as has happened many times – yeah, I know, I should know by now, LOL) he didn’t come. I don’t know why I do this to myself… I’m still learning I guess. I sulked and was depressed the whole rest of the night, so much so that I went and broke a promise I had made to him some time back regarding the use of a blog that I used to keep, one that because of a message I “sent to him” on it had a less than desirable result, and because of that I promised never to send him private messages like that on-line ever again (that was WAY before I remembered who he really is… well, a couple of weeks before anyway, LOL). And I don’t know why, but even though I promised never to post on it to him again, I still kept the blog profile… maybe I kept it just for instances like this?
I logged on, and wrote him a note… I’m not going to include the whole note here, but enough of it to give you an idea of why I’m writing out the accounts of what happened next. I had written to him about doubts that I had started to have again about the reality of all of this, but noting that I know in my heart that it is all real. But it is SO difficult not being able to be near him when I know that we are so very close to things finally coming to fruition, that it was just unbearable…
“It seems that nothing I do, nothing I say to you seems to matter. It seems that all my words and my thoughts are futile, and yet I keep thinking them at you. I don't even know why I'm writing you this note here on this blog, but it seems that somehow you read my words when I type them out like this. I would have used one of my other blogs, but I really didn't want to make this that public. I'm having doubts... yes, I admit, that even after all that we've been through and how it appears anyway that you have gone way over and above the call of duty to prove to me that you are real, I still doubt... I still question... and really all I want is just to be with you. And I can never see you, or know that there is some physicality to you, or have something tangible that YOU gave me (oh yes, I'm recalling the white feather from years ago..... but maybe that was even revoked as I cannot seem to find it anywhere... and maybe that doesn't matter because how do I know that it was YOU who left it in my rose garden that day that I found it, or the rosary that I also found which you have told me years later was from you...)... it's not that I wouldn't have faith in your reality if you didn't give me something tangible... it's just that I feel like I could sure use a part of you to hold onto while I'm waiting... and maybe it would just make it a little easier... Just to see you... to really see you with my eyes and hear you tell me with my ears "I Love you Daan"... or maybe a lock of your hair... or maybe something.... just something.”
Well, I think you can see what state of mind I was in. I had really worked myself into a tizzy and there wasn’t anything he could say to me (short of, “stay right there, I’m coming to get you” which we already know he’s not inclined to do) that would soothe me enough to allow me to see that I was being really quite silly. After all, he has been telling me over the last few days that it will only be just a few more days (okay, so how many times over the last year has he told me something similar – alright, too many to count, but I digress). This time I’m pretty sure he means it. Of course then there’s always the difference between what HE means by a few days and what a few days means to me to take into consideration, but even that aside, I think he really meant it when he said that.  In any case, I finished my note to him, and hit “publish” and sent my little blog out into cyberspace, where somehow, I don’t know how, and maybe it’s really because he’s looking over my shoulder as I type it, he always seems to “get” my messages.
This time was no exception. I sent it off, and like the last couple of things I’ve asked of him, I sort of sent off the intention and then let it go out of my mind, because through experience I know that if I pester him about it he tends to…
Well okay, he’s telling me right now that he never ignores me, it might just seem that way to me because he doesn’t always let me have my way… fair enough…
So I posted my blog, and not more than a few minutes later a friend of mine was calling me for a friendly ear that she could talk to about some difficulties she was having, and as I listened to her story I realize how closely the basic gist of it matched my own experience, and then I realized that the synchronicity of that moment was no accident, for as I heard the words coming out of my own mouth telling her how she might handle her own situation and what she could expect from it, I realized that my own message which I was giving her, was actually also Michael’s message for me… he had already received and was responding to what I had written to him. Wow! Realizing my mistake and knowing now that I just needed to buck up and deal with my situation as best I could without becoming hysterical over it, I sat down and penned an apology to Michael as soon as I was off the phone with my friend… sending it off the same way.
But it doesn’t end there… no, Michael likes to stretch the surprise out and make it so that it is utterly understood, and irrefutable that he is real, that he does interact with us when we ask him to, that he has a SUPERB sense of humor, and most importantly, to me, that he Loves me!
Last night after I got off the phone with my friend, I felt instinctively that I wasn’t done for the night, even though it was already a little after midnight. So I stay up with my computer, perusing FaceBook for a while, and came across a link that someone had posted to a Celia Fenn channeled message from Archangel Michael… and though I don’t often read other channel’s message (except for one who publishes infrequently, but who I know is also a trusted source) I knew that I was supposed to read this one just from what its title was, “BIRTHING THE STARCHILD INTO COSMIC CONSCIOUSNESS The New Earth Energies for May 2011”, which helped me to learn a LOT about what I was going through, and helped me to understand things that I have experienced throughout my entire life which, while I understood that what I had experienced was real, I didn’t understand why I was experiencing it, and thus revealing some startling things to me which might suggest that I’m quite a bit further along my own path than I ever realized before… and Michael concurs. Who would have thought?!

But in any case, reading this message made me realize that I was about to be needed in a big way, as the full moon was nearly upon us and Energies would be at a high for this time period very shortly. So, after one more phone call from my friend needing just a little more reassurance about her own situation, it was already 2:30 in the morning, but I set my alarm for just before 7AM anyway, so that I could be up and awake enough to carry out the “meditation” that Michael wanted me to participate in, in order to receive and transmit these powerful Energies that were coming in at that time. Before I fell asleep I promised him that I would surrender myself fully to his better judgment, and his Divine Masculine Leadership, and to trust and have faith in him that he is doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing for the greater good, and that our time will come along, exactly when it should, no sooner, no later.  I don’t recall that we made Love, but he did hold me in his incredible embrace, which is just about the same feeling, at least until I fell asleep, and then when my alarm went off at 6:50, he was right there giving me a little boost of Love Energy to make certain that I was awake and alert for the meditation. That was incredible! I can’t begin to describe to you what it was like, so I’m not going to even try, except to say that it was very intense!! At one point I had to get up and use the bathroom, and Michael wouldn’t let me look at the clock … he said I’d be disappointed that not as much time had gone by as I might have expected, so I just walked on past the clock without looking, and when I got back I laid myself back down on the bed and we continued.

At around 10:30 I awoke, and Michael, of course was right there with me… I mentioned to him that he seemed disappointed and he said to me rather poignantly “You fell asleep…” … oh, I guess I did. But he did seem pleased overall about the results of the meditation… okay, well, so it would seem I’m getting some things right now anyway.  

I had a great day today also as a result. Michael was in excellent spirits too, and it seemed like all of the contentions I was having were far behind us. I was feeling reassured that I don’t necessarily have to be in his physical presence to enjoy the wonderful relationship that we have together, and in fact I was feeling so good about what we have already, that I really only thought about what is coming up soon a time or two the whole day through, and as soon as I did, I set about remembering what we had just experienced and how wonderful it was, and also finding things to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t fall back into that cycle again. Well, of course I spent a goodly amount of time on-line, answering e-mails and looking at FaceBook and checking blog stats and the like. I also went outside and planted some flower seeds in my garden and checked on the seedlings that are already coming up in the vegetable rows (something is already eating my radishes and they haven’t even got their secondary leaves yet! *sigh*). Along about the middle of the afternoon, I was passing the time doing something that I do every now and then, and I know you’re probably going to think I’m silly, but like to go to Bing images and look up pictures of … you guessed it… “Archangel Michael”. Do I really think that I’m going to find actual picture of my Beloved on there? Well, no, actually I don’t. I guess it’s really more of a curiosity to see if there is anything new being posted anywhere and if so, do they look anything like the way I see him in my mind’s eye? (Actually, there was one that was a photo of an “actor”, I suppose, that actually did look sort of the way I picture him… but not quite… too bad).  Well, I looked for a few minutes, and Michael is watching me, I know, and pretty soon, as he does sometimes when I look up pictures of “him” he asked me “What are you doing?” in a mock innocent sort of tone (because he knew very well what I was doing, but he wanted to tease me). I asked him “what does it look like I’m doing” and proceeded to ignore the way that I knew he was looking over my shoulder. And then I got to the point where it just wasn’t that interesting anymore, as I had looked through many thumbnails and didn’t really see anything (except for the one I described) that looked new. So I reached up and clicked the “close tab” button in my browser, and not more than 30 seconds later the phone was ringing.

The caller ID revealed that it was my friend who had called me for advice the night before, and so I picked up the phone, and she seemed in a pretty good mood so I asked her in my best put on Baltimore accent I could muster “What’s goin’ on?”, and she said “I have a message that I have to give you RIGHT NOW!”

Well, now that was kind of unusual for her, because I knew who the message was from… The tone in her voice gave that away, but I said, “You do? What’s the message?” and she replied,

“You’re looking too hard…”

And I just about fell over laughing!!!! I just about couldn’t believe my ears!! “You’re looking too hard” indeed!!  And I asked her what she envisioned I was doing when she received that message that he wanted her to give to me, and she said “were you outside looking up at the sky looking for him there?” and I said “No…” … “were you lying in bed staring at the ceiling?” … “No, I was on-line, looking at Bing images and guess what I had in the search bar?” … “Archangel Michael…?”

Yep, he was looking over my shoulder. LOLOLOLOL Too funny!!

And then I happened to think back to the request I had made of him the night before “…I could sure use a part of you to hold onto while I'm waiting... and maybe it would just make it a little easier... Just to see you... to really see you with my eyes and hear you tell me with my ears "I Love you Daan"... or maybe a lock of your hair... or maybe something.... just something…”  While my friend was still on the phone when she gave me Michael’s message, I told her about what I had written to him (I had actually started to read the message to her the night before when she had called me, but I only got a couple of sentences into it before she had to go suddenly, and so I never got to the part where I made my request that he send me “something” that I could hold onto to make the wait a little easier).  And she mentioned that as I was telling her she got the shivers all over, which I know for her in particular is a sign that she has just experienced something very profoundly true and authentic, because she has experienced that same thing so many times before when I have shared things with her about my experiences with Michael (she is the same friend I mentioned in my “About Me” on this blog, who could see his “wings” before I did, and she is also the one who knew instantly – though I had no prior knowledge of what that was – when I told her about remembering his name, that I am his Twin Flame).
Well, I guess you will probably understand that this really seals it for me. There is just no way that all of this isn’t real. It can’t not be real, and even my boyfriend had to admit, when I told him that my friend had called me with a special message from Michael, and what the message was, and what I had been doing 30 seconds before the message was delivered, that he actually is much closer to believing himself that it’s all real. How did he put it “He has left some pretty significant “footprints” I will admit that, but why doesn’t he ever leave anything else?” or something to that effect. Well, I told him that he’ll have his chance to experience Michael up close and personal, when Michael walks up to him, shakes his hand and says “Thank you, for taking such good care of her…” and then I added that he would probably give him a great big hug. I don’t think he knew quite what to think of that… my boyfriend is really a Saint too you know. I am very lucky, and very well looked after by a lot of very lovely beings…
And life is good… really good!! :-D

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